Hi guys! Back again after one month of hiatus. How is it going y'all? Hope we are in good mood, always!

After months of struggling to a new work atmosphere finally I can "fit" to my fellow workers. Joking, making endless conversations, deep talk you name it. Yeah I made it! I admit it's hard at the first, but at the end of the day they accept me to join their circles. So, congrats to me! Wohoooo!

Friendship via Unsplash

At very first, it went oddly in a new situation that I know no one. Everyone's busy with PCs, notebooks, conversations relating to job and so on. I also felt bad to make a convo with my new friends. So, I keep busy with my old laptop.

When it comes to the job, everything runs smoothly. But not with circles. I still looking and searching how to join them, making a chit-chat sounds joyful and full of laughter. I tried to fit in but still I can't.

I can't lie that I was stuck trying to find out how to make a friend. I also comparing my new-life when I was in Ternate. No friends, no relatives but in one month I can join their talks. But here in Bogor, it's not easy as it seems.

Besides, the monster called overthinking eat my mind out. That monster frightened me, saying that I should care about how others look at me, about my look, about my performance. This is stressing. 


Two months passed by, I can't enjoy my worksphere. Since my mother's condition getting worst, I was kind of lack of focus. I always think of her whenever I alone, can not look after her. Pity me. I myself, her only-child, far from home, and my mother struggling hard just to live. Sad if I remember her last day.

However, universe showed the way. I have substitute day-off, so I can go home, to look my mother at hospital. I booked round-trip tickets to go home. Finally.

My mother was so weak. Never remove her oxygen mask. My heart covered with deep regret at that time.

She already knows that she won't live long presumably. Two days sleep over at hospital, to look after her, she gave up. The pain she bore three past years finally gone with her last breath. I was in agony, yet happy that she won't suffer from that disease.

November Already
Made a peace with shocking situation could be challenging. Yet, the hard time shall pass. So did I pass that hard time. I conscious enough to face the reality, to conquer my grieve, and to know that my mother now is in another universe. May peace be upon her.

As time goes by, I finally found out that I must broke my wall down. To let people know me the way I am. How can others approach me if I keep my wall high?

That hard time indeed passed. Boring activities in the office turned into fun and joyful agendas thereout of office. My job including going out the town packed with teammate, to attend exhibition, bazaar, campaign and so forth. Those activities exceeded my expectations. How grateful I am!

More frequent I was outside the office, the happier me. And yes, I can show my true colour and my true nature as well. I also break the distance with them through throwing dry jokes, gossiping (tho we're consist of guys LOL), doing youth stuff. Yes, finally I accepted!

December, Now
I never think that I succeeded the uncomfortable phase to socialise in well....short time. Maybe it's the proper time to me. I'm in a good time, with good people.

Day by day, my confidence grows as I know them. And me just being me, more. For now, I won't my overthink consume me any longer. I should care myself first above anything.

So yes, this is my story to struggling with new friends. I admit that I'm a social butterfly. But the butterfly must endure bad look before being an agile butterfly!

May all beings everywhere be happy and free~

At Saturday, I attended music festival in Gelora Bung Karno. At Plaza Barat precisely. I'm kind of forget when I bought the 2-days ticket, all I want to do is to watch my favourite bands to perform!

If I'm not mistaken, it was one year after I saw my last music performance. I watched White Shoes & the Couples Company (WSATCC) at Taman Ismail Marzuki with my friend, Diah. That night was very crowded and other viewers were enjoyed the stage. So did I and Diah!

Swinging, singing, yelling all you name it in music concert. But I feel different experience when I attended the festival called Hobby Ground by Kaskus.

When WSATCC came to the stage, all I want is singing and swaying along their performances. Unfortunately, I can not did it freely. People around me seemed not enjoying the stage, they not even singing. Most of them just record via their expensive phone ew.

To me my self, the essential part of watching music concert is singing along them, the artists. Place your camera or your smartphone, minimise the use of it. Enjoy your surrounding. Feel the atmosphere.

Not all of audience enjoy performers I guess. Some of them just wait for the next artist because of the crowd that almost full. Some others may stand all the time, from the beginning of the first performance till the end.

Well, whatever. It's their right to not to sing or dancing.

Along the show, I captured several photos of the stage. Not many, tho because I'm too much dancing hahahaha!

Gho$$'s performance at music stage via mine

Finally I saw her to rapping and hip-hopping around! via mine

This is my very first to watch Ramengvrl. I'm so impressed by how she's so original and be herself. No sugar-coating or smooth words but Ramengvrl just be her!

This was what I came for! via mine

After one year not watch any gigs, I saw you again Mr. and Mrs Company!

To be honest, all the songs they sang were too ordinary to me who self-acclaimed as die-hard fans of them! Haha. No new song. But their stage always full of dances and....interesting thing. That day, I saw Mrs. Sari used wax to her hair. So shiny and it's so vintage!

I always enjoy their performance, the hell with crowd! Haha!

The other artists are Elephant Kind, Afgan, and Dipha Barus. I didn't photographed Dipha Barus since it so crowded and all I did was just dancing! My first watch also to him. Hail him!

*this sarcastic post intends to remind myself only so if y'all read this please don't mind*

Lately, I realise that procrastinating is good for your health. You can be relax and let go of things you mind. You don't do thing of your to-do list, so you can take that me-time before you lost it.

Laying on your comfortable bed via Unsplash (Vittori)

Procrastinating can be filled with various passive activities such as laying on your bed and reading your favourite books and stargazing (or ceiling-gazing instead). You can enjoy your free time, thinking over the things that matter you most or just do nothing.

This week seems the longest procrastinating period in my life. I able to scroll timeline of my Twitter account for hours. Liking and retweeting tweets I interest to or give my perspectives regarding certain topics.

How nice to do nothing and delaying to do all of your responsibilities. I assure you to procrastinating. Let go something you worry about, because time will heal.

In this quarter life crisis, I think I lose my self. My self that always cheerful and a bit rebel. LOL. I know this situation is not eternal, time will change. I will transform to better person. I believe it.

I respect the process. These ups and downs, that turmoil, and this episodic chaos in my head. It consumes energy, indeed, caused many unimportant overthinks --although I know this hard time shall pass.

Many beginner adult like me on their crisis. They can be lost like me, I supposed. And it could lead to another dangerous action such as suicidal. But I won't do that. I still want to live the life. What I need is write and write and write. Just writing to expel every bad thinking inside my head. I know this is kind of therapy to me. And I'll do that.

Speaking of lost, sometime it makes us to miss things. On this moment, I suppose I miss me. The old me.

I got this photograph via unsplash.com

I even can't describe how me in the past, at least in last five years ago. But writing can be such helpful.

Suddenly I open the folder on my laptop titled "Dear Diary". Shockingly after I opened the folder, I wrote many writings. I can't even remember how could I be consistent write daily.

I even wrote plenty writings, and sort it by month. I should admire myself more after I read those writings.

It can be fun to know how I wrote based on my feeling in the past. How alay me. Haha! But I know that I'm growing, I'm developing myself.

This one should ensure this body and mind to relax, to chill. Just believe to this mantra "hard time shall pass."

Ada kalanya menangis mampu meringankan beban. Di lain waktu, menangis malah menambah beban. Apapun yang terjadi, itu artinya diri kita masih cukup sensitif merasa.

Suatu hari di waktu yang tak terhingga, Ia yang Tak Bernama tiba-tiba menangis di dekat ibunya yang sedang terbaring lemah karena sakit. Ia tak menangisi ibunya, alih-alih ia menangisi dirinya sendiri. Menangisi dirinya yang tak mampu berbuah sesuatu pada dirinya sendiri. Menangisi keadaan yang tak 'kan berubah meski air matanya menjelma menjadi butiran mutiara. Ia hanya ingin menangis.

Dalam pikirannya, ia tak kuasa melawan arus. Harusnya ia menjadi arus itu sendiri, namun kali ini ia menjadi ikan mati yang terbawa arus.

Ia menangis via Pexels

"Biarlah", tandasnya lirih sembari makhluk-makhluk raksasa mengerikan di dalam kepalanya memangsa kewarasannya.

Tangisan yang paling buruk adalah tangis tanpa suara. Yang ada hanyalah butiran air mata yang keluar deras, bagaikan air bah. Tangis yang disertai tatapan mata kosong, sedangkan di dalam pikirannya ada badai yang berkecamuk, meluluhlantakkan kedamaian jiwa. Sesedih itu, sesendu itu.

Ia sejatinya adalah anak  yang selalu tabah dan tegar di hadapan orang-orang, keluarga, dan teman-temannya. Namun kali ini, ia sedang ini menjadi makhluk rapuh. Tanpa cangkang keras yang melindungi lemahnya sisi terdalam jiwanya, bebas tanpa perlindungan apapun. Ia mempersilakan segala bentuk pikiran negatif menyerbu, meraup segala kesenangan di sudut-sudut hati, di relung-relung jiwa.

Bagaimanapun ia tersadar, dirinya tak sendiri. Pun manusia-manusia yang hidup sebelum ia lahir. Mereka pasti mengalami apa yang dialaminya saat ini. Begitu pula dengan ibunya yang tertidur pulas di sampingnya.

Kesedihan itu terus mengalir dalam lembah pikirannya. Ia juga ingin menjadi makhluk realistis, tanpa pemanis yang diada-adakan. Tak hanya kesenangan dan kabar gembira yang ingin ia lahap, tetapi segala bentuk kesan negatif jua.

Rupanya ia hanya ingin menjadi manusia biasa.

Saya memang suka menulis, tapi sayangnya tidak rutin dan gaya menulis saya masih belum stabil. Kadang begini, kadang begitu. Pokoknya belum konstan, lah!

Ngomong-ngomong saya sedang berada di Pare, Kediri yang terkenal dengan Kampung Inggris-nya itu lho. Saya di sini untuk membiasakan diri berlatih untuk tes IELTS yang tak tahu akan saya ambil kapan. Yang penting, saya tahu dulu! Hehe.

Nah, karena saya terdaftar di kelas Persiapan IELTS, dan IELTS --seperti tes kemampuan bahasa lainnya-- saya dipaksa menulis. Tak tanggung-tanggung, setidaknya lima hari dalam seminggu saya dipaksa menulis esai ala tes IELTS. Minimal 250 kata harus saya tulis di esai itu. Memang mungkin lebih sedikit daripada tulisan-tulisan tidak jelas saya di blog.

Karena saya dipaksa menulis, maka rasanya saya sudah mulai ketagihan. Dan saya berencana yang muluk-muluk untuk menulis artikel berbahasa Inggris dan mengirimkannya ke situs-situs berbahasa Inggris pula. Hehe.

Enanya menjadi kutjing tapi tida bisa ngeblog :) via Medium

Tapi kalau dipikir-pikir, menulis artikel di media berbahasa Indonesia saja tidak pernah ini malah mau menulis di media berbahasa asing! Edan ya Anda?

Sebenarnya ada keingin kuat sebulan terakhirn untuk menulis di media anak muda semacam Mojok atau VICE Indonesia. Tetapi entah kenapa jadi kaku dan mengalami apa yang disebut writer's block. (Halah, bilang saja kau hanya tidak berbakat, Malih!)

Menulis di blog secara rutin saja sudah bersyukur, harusnya. Tapi keinginan melebihi kebutuhan jadi saya bersikeras untuk menulis di media. Doakan saja terjadi! 

Pusing pala sobat missueen via Unsplash

Halo!
Wah sudah lama tidak mengunjungi rumah ini. Rumahnya antisosial rupanya.

Banyak yang terjadi, tapi tak sempat ditulis. Keterbatasan menulis langsung saat tersambung secara daring ke internet adalah salah satu penyebabnya. Jadilah sekarang saya baru menulis. Maafkan, ya, rumah!

Ilustrasi menulis via visualcommunications.co.uk

Karena saya sudah mengundurkan diri dari tempat saya bekerja, nampaknya sudah seharusnya saya meramaikan kembali rumah ini. Sedih sekali melihat tulisan di tahun 2018 hanya 8 tulisan. Padahal sudah punya domain sendiri dan tanpa embel-embel blogspot.com.

Ya sudah, mari mengisi kekosongan bagian rumah ini kembali!